Birthday Bummer

Life is depressing. I try very hard to keep happy but its extremely difficult....

Mad turned one a month ago. I attempted to decorate and have a little party but it was a total dud. Nabs was pissy all day, Bruce was annoying and i was so down about her being a year already i had no energy to finish decorating her cake. I made cupcakes, too, but only decorated 4 of them. I made like 30 of them but I bet I don't even have half of them left. The males here are pigs, especially Bruce. He even stole a bunch of the candies i bought to decorate the cupcakes with, didn't ask or anything! asshole. and our kitchen outlets and lights don't work anymore so theres just one crappy lamp in there on an extension cord so its SUPER dark. and its a wicked small room. especially with 5 adults and a dog in there! not an environment that inspires creativity and happiness, thats for sure! and all day my mother 'advised' me on how to do everything, shes trying to help, but it makes her a bummer to be around.

And how can a whole year have gone by already? FUCK! Time is getting away from me faster than i ever thought it could. I feel so old and lonely.

Anyway, I know no one really gives a crap about that so I will stop whining and put up some pictures.

Journaling on the Cold

Gads its cold!!! Barely 65 in here right now and theres a terrible breeze coming in the windows :(

But really, I do mean to journal more. I really do. But lately Ive been rather depressed and not feeling like I can enjoy much of anything. Things here are the same, if not worse, than they ever were. Mom and Bruce are still treating us like were horrible parents. We don't hold her right, bathe her right, I don't nurse Mad correctly and her wild hair drives my mom nuts. I cant understand them. Sure, some advice is a good thing, but I'm not getting that, I'm getting criticism. Alot of it.

The other day Shane took Mad down stairs to give me a break so I could nap a little longer. She was being fussy so he was walking around with her and had her up on his shoulder, sort of hanging over it (which she likes), and her head brushed against this little wooden sled we have hanging on the wall. The sled weighs maybe a pound, its a decorative thing Shane's mom painted. I doesn't take much to move it (we bump in to it all the time because its hanging on the door jam and sticks out a little in to the doorway). But Bruce acted like Shane smashed her head against the wall or something. Mad didn't even notice anything had happened! When he came back upstairs he told me about it and warned me that my mom would be crabbing at me about it. And, sure enough, the next morning when I saw her, she did! I was telling her how Mad had a tough night and how I think shes teething already. Mom seemed to think this was stupid and told me she was probably having headaches from getting her head hit. !!!! OMG! I was incredulous! I told her this is a huuuge reason why I hate coming down stairs for visits with Mad. All we get are them moaning about how we do everything wrong. ITs not a nice time for us. I have to sit there while stinky old Bruce holds my precious baby and coos over her and says the most annoying and inane things to her. AND I have to hear them b***h about what a terrible mum I am and how Shane is abusing Mad! Yea, ok Ma, Ill be right down.

And on top of that, I have a tooth ache. Yippy. Why do teeth have nerves? Whats the point? I have two that are nerveless and they're still quite sensitive. Whats the point? The two teeth that are nerveless are root canal teeth and were done like 10 years ago. I was supposed to have them capped but for some reason my mother never took me back to get that part done. So, of course, after a few years they broke! And the teeth on either side have cavities now from there being spaces between them that shouldn't have been there. One of those *live* teeth is broken in half, though it doesn't hurt unless I bite on it, but another has a tiny cavity between the teeth and its aching me like a binch. I would soo like to go to the dentist and get them all fixed up, but its nearly impossible to find anyone who takes Medicaid. How does the government expect people to be healthy when they don't make doctors and dentists accept their programs? It should be mandatory so we can choose ones we like and trust. Not be forced to go see scary, backwoods dentists who don't know what they're doing.

But other than those things, we are good. Mad is growing much much too fast. She is giggling and cooing and squealing all the time now. Its so cute I could cry! And shes a pro at holding her head up, still a little wobbly, but she can hold it up for as long as I hold her upright. Her belly time is improving, too. Her head is up but shes still got some work to do on the push ups. She can easily support all her weight on her legs now and she loooves it! Shed stand up all day if I could hold her that way! We have nearly perfected the laying down and nursing technique. Which I find very helpful, she can nurse and I can sleep! This last night she wanted to sleep that way, too. Every time I tried to lay her in her little bed beside me she would scream. So Id pick her up again and snuggle her into my side and *bop* shed pass right out. It was adorable but I was dying to lay on my side for a bit. Oh well :) Right now I have her stuffed in my robe, sort of sling like. Its a lot easier to type with her like this than how I normally hold her at the pc. Which is why I decided to journal today.

Here are some new pics of dear sweet amazing Mad -

Little Giggling Lady -
Oh Mama, Yoo sooo funny!
Elven babe
Oooh! Im SO ANGRY!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
5th bath ever!
Sleepy in her green hoodie
Heeheehee!
Pretty Lady

She's Here!

• Mood: Love
• Listening to: A Humming Fan
• Reading: nothing
• Watching: The Gift
• Playing: EQ2
• Eating: nothing
• Drinking: water

Mad arrived on the 16th of January!! She was 9 pounds 5 ounces and 21 and a half inches

Theres tons to tell, but seeing as shes in my arms and its dang hard to type with one hand....Ill just post some pics fer now
She was quite puffy on her first day.

Oh so sleepy!

Swedish Fish!

Very happy Daddy

Shes awake!!

Does she look cozy or what?

Snow, Boots, Pain and Another.

One of the family cats (not mine, but sort of belongs to us all), Brady, died a couple days ago. He was very old, something like 19 and not doing well at all. It wasnt a surprise, but its still sad. He was a lovely boy. So how many is that? In the last 6 months or so 4 of my cats have died, 2 of the family cats passed away, one family cat ran away, one of my hens died, my robin was killed, my bun died and my Mike is gone. What the hell?

But Im trying very hard to not think about that too much. I will go crazy if I do. So Im doing alot of crap now to distract myself. Like well, not much really, but its enough to keep my mind from lingering on the hurt, too much.

We got a foot of snow recently. It was so beautiful when I woke up, it lured me outside. I hadnt been out in a while so it was especially nice! I got some good pictures and it was wickedly nice to see the animals. Douk enjoyed it alot, too. He loves snow :)While getting ready to go outside, I hauled out my boots and tried to put them on. My belly is huuuge now (50 inches around and, uh, I'm only 64 inches tall *weeps*) so its pretty hard to reach my feet. I struggled for a minute or two to get the boot in position so I could get my foot in it. But, alas, it was in vain! My foot was too swollen to fit! (You see, my feet, hands and face have started swelling. Its just the most beautiful stuff you ever saw.) So I thought about what I was going to wear on my big feet. The snow was deep so sneaks were out. I spotted Shane's rubber boots and thought, maybe theyll fit! I struggled with them fer a min and was able to get them on, though the calf was almost too tight. But they were ok in the foot part. Yay!

So out I went. Gads, you should have seen me! In knee high, black rubber boots, my Egyptian man dress (which goes almost to my feet) and my big orange coat. I was very stylish! But I didnt care, I was outside! And the snow was gorgeous. But very hard to walk in. Especially since my hip/belly pain make it terrifically hard to lift my feet up more than a couple inches. The sheep were calling to me and once Loki got wind of someone coming out she started to holler, too. So I pushed on thru the snow. It was fun :) Even the chickens seemed sort of happy to see me. Or at least see someone. I threw Loki and the sheep some hay, took some pics and came back inside.

I sat in a kitchen chair and looked at my feet. I wondered how in the heck I was going got get these rubber things off. There was no way I could lift my foot up and pull them off with my hands. I thought about going upstairs and waking Shane to help me, but I really didnt want to bother him. I tried using the toe of one foot on the heel of the other to try and get one off, but since they were a little small around the calf they suctioned to my leg. Ack! How the hell was I going to get them off?? The suctioning made them stick more so I would need to push harder with my toe which made my belly hurt. But I didnt see any other way but to just grit my teeth and shove. So I did that. Owowowowow! Stupid boots! I shall not be wearing them again...

I felt great despite the boot struggle. It was really nice to be outside. I havent been going out really at all, unless I have to, since it hurts so much to move. But the *felt great* didnt last long. I soon started to get sore, but not terribly so. It didnt get bad until the next day. Oh my dear, I could barely move! My hips were giant balls of pain. I could barely lift my legs to get out of bed, never mind walk. And my belly/groin muscles were screaming at me. It was like I had run in an Iron Man competition, not taken a slow mosey out to the barn and back. So I rested.

And rested and rested and its been a couple weeks and Im still really sore. Its like my muscles are giving up. Theyve stretched and stretched and now theyre throwing in the towel. My lower abdomen is a big bruise. The muscles there are soooo sore! Plus Ive got some pretty stretch marks that are sore, too. And the muscles that run from the inside of my thighs to my groin feel like, well, when I try to use them for anything, it feels like theyre tearing. Its so nice! Never in my life did I realize how much one uses ones stomach and groin muscles. You use them for everything! Sitting up, lifting a leg, rolling over in bed, moving a leg even an inch uses them, sneezing, coughing, standing, walking, the list is endless. Sometimes I cant move my legs, like when I try to sit up and get out of bed. So I have to use my arms to lift my legs over the edge of the bed. Oh the joy!

Ive also got this great pain right under my ribs, on the right side. Its been there for months but now its soo much worse. If I move the *right* way it feels like someones sticking me with a hot poker. Its a terrible burning, tearing feeling. It aches all the time, but I only get that horrible bad feeling when I move certain ways. Like turning over in bed.

Speaking of bed, Im not sleeping! Well, I am a little, but not enough. I can only get like 30 minutes at a time, sometimes less, until I get a pain somewhere and it wakes me up. And changing position to relieve the pain is near impossible. It takes me a good 5 minutes to roll over sometimes! Ive truly felt like I was trapped in bed, like there was no way I was going to be able to sit up or anything with out Shanes help. But ive gotten good at just sucking it up and moving through the searing hot pain. Im not sure if thats good or not, but being trapped in bed is so bad I dont care!

But anyway, I should go do something else. If I sit here too long my feet swell incredible amounts. Till they look just like Cabbage Patch Kid feet. And thats just wrong. Plus it feels yucky. Not painful, really, just really yucky. And no one wants feet that look like this -
Normally I have fairly thin looking feet, with little bones on the top and ankles and everything. I swear! Yeck.... some things about being pregnant truly truly SUCK....

(Ive also started having very strong Braxton Hicks contractions. They're not true labor, but they can hurt! My belly goes all rigid, like a giant bowling ball and there incredible pressure everywhere mixed in with some back pain. Oh I cant wait till its real labor! Come on Mad, I'm ready to meet you!!)

Im Full of People!

Well, technically, its just one person but....Phew! I feel incredibly full. Mad is about 16 inches long now and 3 pounds, though to look at me you'd swear she was 20 pounds. I'm amazed at how nifty the body is and how it can adjust and change and morph shape. I'm amazed at how weird it is to have a thing inside me, a whole being who's moving, thinking, starting to see, has hair and fingernails and so many other things. Gads, its sooo neat!

Shes getting big now and we can see her in there, moving around. Sometimes she moves so violently, she annoys poor Fiz when hes sleeping on my belly! He gives me the dirtiest look, like *will you quit moving! Im trying to sleep here!* We can see her bump out and see her wiggle around in there. It feels just like I imagined it would feel like to have a thing in there moving around. I was playing EQ2 the other day and she was kicking and wiggling and jabbing so much that I was like *Im growing a Monk!* But thats only funny if you play that game, I guess :)

Since my boy, Mike, is getting old and not in to trying to eat my bunny anymore, we've been letting Burr out to play. He loves it sooo much! Its so nice to see him running around and having fun. He adores the cats and snuggles as much as they will let him. Here is a pic of Burr with Vivi. Arent they too cute??

Baby News-Fiber News

Again, its been ages since I posted. I dont know whats up with me, but its been really hard to make myself sit and write. Once I get going, I enjoy it, but dang, its so hard to sit here and DO it!

We're having a girl!! A wee girl... and her name is Madelyn. I adore my Granny (maternal) and her name is Madelyn and Shane and I love the name and love the nickname Mad, sooo, its perfect! Little Mad is growing like mad. Shes about 1 1/2 pounds now and 14 inches long! I feel like shes twice that big. My belly is enormous. Or at least it seems like it to me! Shes squashing everything. Its hard to breathe sometimes, depending on how Im sitting/laying and I cant eat much at a time. But its nothing bad. The awful part of it all is the hip pain that Im having. I swear, its some of the worst pain Ive ever felt in my life. It makes most movements incredibly painful. Even putting socks on is an ordeal. But its all good! Makes me stronger, gives me character. I know now that when Im old (or young!), if I have bad, chronic pain, I can take it. I can still do what I need to do, even if it hurst so much I cry.

Yesterday Shane and I went out and took some pictures. We both wish we could see what our mothers looked like while they were pregnant with us so we want to make sure Mad has plenty to pictures to see later. Heres a couple of my favorites -

Ive been doing a bit of spinning and knitting/crocheting. I bought some loverly sage green roving from Copperpot Woolies, spun it in to a worsted weight ad am knitting it in to some mittens for my mother. They were supposed to be done for her bday last month, but I got sick and was only able to get one done. So Im finishing up the second now (just got a thumb to do!). She seems to like them, at least she loves the color. Ill post a pic when Im all done.

As for spinning, Ive spun alot! Heres a pic of just some of the yarn Ive made -

Theres more than just these, but I got tired of taking pics of them all. On my wheel I have some misc roving ends from The Sheep Shed. Its a beautiful mix of caramel, dark chocolate and white. I think there is some mohair in it, but Im not sure. Its very pretty!

Ive got some news!

Been ages since I last posted, but I have a fairly good excuse. Im pregnant!! EEP! We found out for sure around the 7th of June but we had known for a few weeks prior. Shane was in Florida visiting his family when I had my dr appointment to get tested. Mom took me and boy she was so excited! I was nervous, but happy. I peed in a cup and sat in the little office on the table waiting to hear.

My dr (her name is Dr Quinn, how funny is that?) creeped in to the room with a scared look on her face. And she told me, in a very 'im sorry to deliver you bad news' voice"It looks like you are pregnant" WEEE!! I hollered! She looked surprised for a sec and then visibly relaxed and beamed a big smile at me. She told me that she was very, very happy to give me good news. That it wasnt very often that folks were happy to hear they were pregnant. Isnt that sad? We hugged and I was smiling so much my cheeks hurt, lol! We talked for a while and she refered me to a place in Saratoga.

When I left the office to get the addy for them, my Ma spotted me from the waiting room and she made a face at me, like 'well??' I gave her the thumbs up and she just about flew out of her chair and danced over to me. I swear, she was more excited than I was!

But then I started spotting. Not bleeding really, just spotting a little. I made a sort of emergency visit at the place in Saratoga asap. Shane and I went and I got an ultrasound and we got to see our little bean! It was the nicest thing, ever. Especially since Shane was with me. I cant even explain how good it is to know that hes there for me. For us. Anyway, the bean is ok, but part of the placenta has come away from the uterine wall and a blood clot has formed. But all looked well.

I went again for my normal visit and pap and all that. The midwife used this microphone machine thing on my belly to try and find the heart beat. She said that usually you cant hear them so early (8 weeks) but she wanted to try anyway. "Dont be alarmed if we cant hear anything!' But after some searching, there it was! Lub-a-dub-lub-a-dub!! Fast and strong as you could ever want. But she said not sex, no lifting things, nothing that will strain my pelvic muscles. Whoopie!

Then on Saturday (july 7), Shane and I got in to a huuuge fight with Bruce (my step father). Hes a jackass and I hate him. Im off my Cymbalta so Im much more outspoken these days. And Im going to be a Mom and that has changed me. Alot. So I said what I thought and gave him what for like Ive only done once before. That time he hit me and threw me out. This time he got all huffy and told Shane and I to get out. Ha!! I told him to call the cops and get them to make us leave. If you knew him, youd know that he wouldnt call the cops if the house was on fire. Mom was out with Pip so she wasnt here to buffer. I got really upset, shaking and nearly hysterical. I effing hate him (I want to love him, and him me. I could use a father, but he makes that nearly impossible). I started to cramp and feel sick so I layed in bed with Shane for a while, trying to relax. A few hours later I used the bathroom and saw there was fresh blood. Not the old blood Id been spotting. And the drs said if that happened, GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

So thats what we did. After ages and years and a lifetime waiting, I got an IV *cries* and an ultrasound. I was dehydrated and I may have a UTI, but the ultrasound didnt show anything too bad. Im still bleeding from that clot, but the baby is great. So far. He/she was flipping around and moving like crazy. It was creepy! Then on the way home a belt snapped in the car. The two houses we were stuck by were full of folks who sleep like the dead. It was 2am and we have no cell so Shane hiked up the road to see if he could find a phone or someone who was awake. He eventually found a house with lots of dogs and they barked and woke up the house. They were nice and let him use the phone. He called our neighbors and they came right out and got us. We couldnt call home because Bruce does have any of his cars legal and even if he did, he couldnt hear the phone ringing if it was sitting on his head. Thank goodness we have one set of neighbors who are there if we get in a bind!!

Now Im on even more *pelvis rest*, which is pretty much the same thing as bed rest because doing pretty much anything uses your pelvic muscles. So no more wrangling the sheep, no more trimming Loki's feet, no more gardening, no nothing. I cant even go for walks. Im soooo bored and frustrated. And all this sitting around has helped aggrivate my sciatic nerve so I hurt almost constantly. And I get these awful stabbing pains in my butt/thigh when I move. Feels almost like the muscle is tearing. It hurts!

But Im getting loads of knitting/crocheting done. Ive finally started a pair of Horcrux socks. But in the fingering weight version. You can get the pattern by joining the Six Sox Knitalong. Im using some fingering weight superwash yarn I bought recently. I dyed it blue and lime. It was supposed to me chartreuse, not lime, but I went a little crazy with the dye amount. Its very pretty though! And much more *witchy* IMHO. Ive only got about 1 1/2 inches done but its striping awesome. Ive lost my knitting calluses :o( and after knitting that much, my poor ring finger on my left hand swelled up where the needle was rubbing on it. That happened before with the first pair of socks I ever made. I have to work through the pain and a nice, tough callus will grow. Heehee!

OK, well, Im getting hungry again. Dang tiny bean eats alot! Oh, I forgot to add that Im due on January 25th. The day before my Dads birthday! We even know the day I got pregnant, Yay for Cinco de Mayo! LOL!