Death and Apartments
My mother is dead. She died in a shitty nursing home over an hour form here with only a nurse and hospice lady with her. I wasnt able to be with her because its so far away and Shane has to work. I was going most nights when he got home but I rarely got there before 7pm. She died at 5pm on February 16th.
I feel nub at the moment. I sway between numb, angry and completely hopeless. To say I miss her is like saying you miss air when you are at the bottom of a lake drowning. I NEED her and my brain cant fathom how to process this information. Even seeing her body didnt make it sink in. I cried and it was horrible to see her dead. But I just cant believe it. If I sit and think about it, to really feel it, I just cant.
No one is talking to me about it. Which is a mixed blessing. I want to know they care, but I dont want to be reminded of the pain. It would be nice, tho, to have someone say something. sure, some ppl say things, but not really anyone related to my mom. its weird. even strangers have given me their sympathy and love but most of my actual family hasnt. Granny is out here staying at her sisters. Glo is in the hospital and has bleeding in her intestines but they cant figure out where or why. Granny and Glos daughter are staying at her place for a while. Granny said some things about my mom but it didnt really make me feel good. But what can anyone say? My dad called me the day after. I dont know who told him about mom. I couldnt call and say the words. Im glad someone else told him. He said just what I wish everyone would - Im sorry, I know there isnt anything I can say or do to make this better, but I love you. Everyone else seems to say 'if theres anything I can do, just ask'. Um...I need money and a house! How about that? Why do people say that? There isnt anything they could ever do to make this ok. I could win the lottery tomorrow and be a billionaire and I would still not be happy. It wouldnt bring her back.
I am alone. Utterly alone. Yes, I have Shane and Mad. But They will leave me. Shane may be able to put up with me and stick around, but Mad will grow up and leave. My mom will be with me forever. I know shes near but I wish she was alive and in her body still. I need her. There is no one else on this planet who would love me no matter what. Who would go out of their way for me like she did. Shane is the closest I have, my father, too, would help me if he ever could. Even Bruce is trying to help me. But no one, no one anywhere, comes close to how my mother loves me. No one in my family would let me live with them. Would help me keep my animals. Would help me do anything, really. My dad would if he could, but he cant. Pip sort of helps, but he doesnt love me very much (which has been made quite clear as of late). No one does. I mean, yea, my family loves me in a distant way. But they would never ever help me with anything I actually needed. Most of them wont even talk to me, never mind do anything!
Tho in all this Ive sort of connected with two that I never thought I would. Tracy and her son have both talked to me a little and its meant alot. Even just talking about games and computers was great. And another of Grannys sisters talks to me sometimes. Its just quick hellos and what not, but its still nice.
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And then we rented an apartment. Shane found it. Its close to his work and close to here. Its cheap and big. But no pets. I would never have considered this place no matter how great anything else was. I want my Douk with me! Maybe even a cat. But its not up to me anymore and its only temporary. Were going to keep looking for something better. Douk is important to me. He comforts me and hangs out with me and likes me. There arent too many folks around who I can say that about. Hes cute and snuggly and Mad adores him. She gets soo excited sometimes. But he will be here and we can come back when ever we want to visit. Shane or I will be back daily to feed my animals anyway. But its not the same.
The apartment is in a big house. Its been split up in to like 6 apartments. We have 4 rooms and its apartment #4. The rooms are fair sized but the bathroom is uber small. The doorway is half covered by the sink and the corner is just the right height to knock Mad in the head. All the floors are wood, cept for the kitchen and bath, which have tiles. The windows are weird and dont work well. But its bright. Especially with everything painted white. I hate white. We cant paint or wallpaper. Theres no real yard either.
But its clean and safe and will be a good reference since we have none. My life is not at all what it was just a few weeks ago. But no one cares. Why Im writing this, I do not know. Cathartic exercise, I guess.
