Two Non Fiber Posts

I wrote these at different times and wasnt going to post them here because I try to keep this blog light and fun. But Im not feeling light and fun so what the hell. This is my life right now so Im posting them.

Its Happened.
Journal Entry: Mon Dec 3, 2007, 7:06 AM

* Mood: Agony
* Listening to: nothing
* Reading: nothing
* Watching: nothing
* Playing: nothing
* Eating: nothing
* Drinking: nothing

Its over.

My best friend, soul mate and love of my life, Mike, has died.

On November 29th at about 9:50pm he finally left me. Just a few hours earlier he was fine. I was taking a nap and heard him *whoop* (his way of yelping) and got up to see if he was stuck somewhere. He was always getting stuck in furniture and things. His hips bothered him and he couldn't always control what direction he was going in. But he wasn't stuck, he was just standing beside the bed. It looked like he might be having some belly pains, which again wasn't totally abnormal. Hes had some terrible intestinal problems in the past so I wasn't too worried.

I helped him walk around, sometimes pacing make shim feel better, so I helped and made sure he didn't fall or get stuck. I tried snuggling him on the bed, but he was very antsy and couldn't get comfortable. He started whooping more and I was getting upset.

Something was very wrong. But it was about 7 pm and the only emergency vet is over an hour away from here and I KNOW they wouldn't have done anything for him but try to kill him. He is almost 15 years old and extremely thin and has a big tumor under his eye. I brought him to a vet not too long ago because he wasn't himself and murdering him was her only solution. So Shane and I just sat with him.

The first thing that came in to my head as to what might be wrong was bloat. I had Shane look up info on it. It had been ages since I read about it and couldn't remember alot. And of course, Mike had nearly every symptom.

Over the next 3 hours it got worse and worse. His belly swelled up and he started to choke on foam and spittle. He cried and cried and all I could do was hold him up and pet him and talk to him.

It seemed like it took a long time for him to pass away, but it also seemed too quick. Just a few hours and my heart was gone.

Ive lost alot of "pets" in my life, some human family members and human friends. It hurt, but nothing like this. This is more pain than I could possibly express to anyone. Hes been my life for almost 15 years, my child, my brother, my protector, my heart and soul. Life isn't life with out him.

For years Ive been thinking about this, about him dying. It had to happen and each day that went by brought it closer. This may sound completely crazy to some of you, but I had planned to go with him. The loss, I knew, was going to be too much and everyone who was left would be fine with out me. I would not be fine staying. But now I am pregnant and feel I cant do that. It hurts so much I don't think I can do it. Maybe thats why Mad showed up. Why we got pregnant so easily. To keep me here. But I don't want to be here.

How can anyone be expected to keep living while in pain like this? What the fuck is going on. This is too much.

Today is even harder because I'm calling to arrange his cremation. I don't know how I'm going to talk to them about it. I tried talking to Shane about it last night and I couldn't speak. The words refused to come out. The thought of him on fire, of him melting, of his eyes popping from the intense heat, his ears burning... is incredibly horrible and painful for me. But the thought of him slowly rotting in the ground is no better. At least this way he can sort of stay with me. And later, when I die, we can be put together.

Maybe I sound obsessed to you all, but I don't care. I need to write and unless you've ever loved someone with every cell in your body, was in love with every cell of them, every minute part of their personality and manners, everything, you have no idea how I feel. Mike is like air to me. Like food or drink. You don't need those things because you're obsessed with them, you just need them because they are vital to life. Being with out him isn't killing my body, its killing other parts of me. This is too hard. I cant do this.

________________________________

Its Happened Again
Journal Entry: Tue Jan 1, 2008, 9:04 AM

* Mood: Sadness
* Listening to: Daler Mehndi - Tunak Tunak Tun
* Reading: nothing
* Watching: Warm Water Under a Red Bridge
* Playing: EQ2
* Eating: nothing
* Drinking: Coffee

This time my bunny is gone.

If things werent bad enough with the loss of my beloved Mike, I had to lose another love. My bunny, Burr passed away on the 19th. I woke up in the night, as is normal because if my hip pain, and as I was trying to get comfortable I heard this *EEE*! squeak sort of sound, twice. I sat up and thought 'what the heck was that'? One of my cats ran up and stared in to Burrs cage telling me it was him. Burr has only ever made noise once before so I didnt recognize his voice. I got up to see what was wrong and as I got to his cage and looked in, he stretched out, facing away from me and cried two more times and died. I didnt even get a chance to reach in to comfort him or anything. I took him out and snuggled him and wept.

My little bunny...he was the sweetest rabbit Ive ever met. Heck, he was the sweetest rabbit Ive ever even heard about. I miss him. He was a little black ball of sunshine. Loving to everyone and cuddly and cute. He even knew to come when I called him. I don't have many ideas as to what killed him. I bought him from a feed store and know nothing about his past or how old he was or anything. Over the last 10 months or so he got very thin. Still eating well and acting normal, but very very thin. In the last 2 months hed started having a hard time jumping up on the bed. Other than those things, he acted like his old normal self. So who knows what it was.

Now hes in his cage in the shed waiting for spring to thaw the ground. Winter is a bad time to lose loved ones. But is there ever a good time?

As for other news, things are pretty much the same. I am quite depressed and still in allot of pain from my hips. Only now Ive got *other* things going on that hurt even more. So I'm just doing great. Ive got just 25 days till Mad's due date, so maybe my pain will lessen soon. But if my *other* thing isn't cleared up by the time shes ready to come, I will have to have a c-section so there goes my less pain hopes for a while....