Trip to Maine

Well! We three got back from a very short visit to Maine this week. Granny needed a ride home from her sisters place in Halfmoon. Granny said she would pay for gas and we said yahoo! We'd been up there to visit when Mad was 4 months old, shes now almost 9 months so I was dying to see everyone again.


Our ride up was gorgeous. It was a cloudy day, very cool, and the trees were out in full force on top of the mountains. I tried to get photos but its tough to get anything food while in the back of a moving van! This was the third time going over Hogback that it was so foggy we couldn't see anything. If it had been clear, the view would have been amazing.

We got to Granny's rather late and we were all tired. My Uncle Jon was there (he lives with Granny) and seemed pleased to see us. He spent the entire time before we went to bed laying on the floor talking to Mad and trying to get her to laugh. It was a little uncomfortable for me, but it was ok I guess. The next morning (Sunday) we got up and Granny told us that Jon got up early and left with a packed bag and didn't talk to her at all. Huh!

That afternoon Mra came over. Ooo! It was sooo nice to see her! Shes like a sister to me and I miss her terribly. Mad was ok with her, too. See, Mad is afraid of everyone now. But she was hardly afraid of Mra at all! She could hold her right away and Mad didn't cry one bit.

A little while later my aunt Mel, my cousin (her son), Moe, his wife, Julie and their adorable son, Max showed up. The last time I hadn't seen Max an Julie for something like 3 years. And Moe, geeze, Max was only a few months old. He snow about 5! Cripes time flies.

We all had a great visit. Max seemed to really like Mad. We call her Squishy and he thought that was super. So he called her that the whole time we were there (Julie says that he might always be Squishy yo him!). He liked saying the word so much that everything a little soft became squishy: the wet ground, our cheeks, his cheeks. It was cute!

This was the first time I got to talk to Julie. We never got much of a chance to before. hes great. I really like her. Shes funny and smart and cute and I wish she lived out this way so we could be friends. Plus it was nice to have another mommy to talk to. Mommies rule!

They left in the evening. It was hard to say goodbye to Moe, especially. When I was little I used to wih I had a big brother like him. Hes a very good person and I miss him!

Mra stayed longer. We visited late, until Jon came home, visibly, stinkingly drunk. Mra left right away and Shane and I went to our room to go to bed. Before long we heard voices, I thought they were just talking so I went out to fill up a bottle for Mad. As I walked thru the living room I realized Jon was arguing with Granny. I hurried back to our room. I told Shane and I turned off the fan so we could hear. Yea, I was eaves dropping! You should have heard the things he as saying! Well, maybe you shouldn't. They were terrible things. Mostly about me and Shane. He was basically saying he and I were shit and Granny was a bitch for bringing us there and he was throwing her out! We almost left that night, but we waited till morning because, well, he can kiss my butt! I wanted to see the beach and Mra and say goodbye to Granny.



So that's what we did. Granny made us awesome omelets and I tried to not cry when we left. We stopped over at Mras and visited in the yard with her and Mel and the dogs for a while. Gads its hard to leave them! I miss them so much :( Mad enjoyed the dogs, though. She loves animals.









We went to Wells beach. Mad looooved the sand! And the waves and all of it. She was the cutest beach bunny ever! I got lots of photos and video of her playing. She liked the feel of the sand on her fingers and between her toes. And the waves seemed to confound her.





The beach was cool, but I still put my feet in the water. We used to go ther alot in the summer when i was little. I love the beach.





The rose hip were out in full force. If wed had more time I would have collected bunches and made some jelly or something. Boy are they tasty! But no matter what I said, I couldn't get Shane to eat one. He thinks Id poison him or something. There were a few left over roses, too. Shane picked one and oh my goodness did it smell good! Even Mad seemed to like it.





The sand was her favorite part. She loved the texture and pent a lot of time feeling it with her fingers and toes.









On our way home we stopped at Shane's brothers house to visit him and his wife. They're nice people. Though their dog, Rufus, wants to eat Mad! Poor little man is afraid of her cries.

It was a looong, dark drive home. No pretty foliage or anything. We didn't get back till about 12:30 am. Yeck! Stupid Jon. I didn't even get to see my father. This is far from the first time hes been like this. And wont be the last, I'm sure. But its the last time for me! Ive had it! I wont ever see him again. But, fortunately, Granny says she is going to get her own place, so we can visit again then. But it will be winter by that time. oh well!

Anyway, its chilly in here, I need to close the window!

Mad Updates

• Mood: Hope
• Listening to: Stupid GTA San Andreas played by Shane
• Reading: Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs
• Watching: Twin Peaks
• Playing: EQ2
• Eating: nothing
• Drinking: Coffee

Shes growing up

Mad went for her second round of shots recently and though she took the shots much better this time (last time she was inconsolable after. But this time her fever got to 102), her Dr said she was underweight. Or rather, she wasn't gaining at the same rate she had been. Mad has only gained 10 ounces in the last 2 months making her 11lbs, 5 oz (i might add here that Shane and I are short, little people. How can you expect average-above average sized babies from folks who are below average in size??) and though the Dr wasn't too alarmed by that she instructed us to supplement her breast feeding with formula. Which I'm NOT happy about! She didn't talk about ways to improve my milk supply or anything. I already know how to do that, but still. I didn't like that she went straight to formula. When we got to the car Shane wanted to go right to the store and buy formula. I wanted to get my milk up and increase feedings and skip the formula, but after some words, we went and got formula. And some solids. I'm ok with feeding her some solids, but this formula crap sucks!

It took a few days of trying to get Mad to eat formula. She was not impressed. Cant say I blame her, stuff tastes like shit! Smells even worse. Uhg. BUT...Shane has bought me a new breast pump to try (which I hope will be here very soon!) so I can get my supply up and faze out the formula. Mad is still breastfeeding regularly, but I'm producing less milk than I was as shes also eating around 8 ounces of formula and 5 ounces of food a day.

Ive taken to thinking of the formula as medicine. The first week of feeding her that crap I cried through out every day. Giving it to her feels so wrong! And makes me feel broken. The doctors are such freaks that I wasn't allowed to give birth naturally and now I cant feed her either! WTF?! Babies aren't numbers. Everyone is different. Loads of people give birth to babies bigger than Mad naturally. And loads breastfeed exclusively for months longer than I have. Its very hard for me to not be depressed about it. Very depressed...

But the solid foods are fun at least. I tried rice cereal first. She hates it. I tried mixing it with breast milk, formula AND water. Each way was quickly spat out! So I tried peas. Icky Mum!! Then sweet potatoes. Hold on folks, we found a winner! She adores them! She also likes carrots, apples, bananas, and prunes. She didn't like pears for the first two weeks, but I tried them again last night and she found them tolerable enough to eat a whole jar. She also tried instant potatoes last night. We were having them for dinner and shes a huge beggar now so I let her try them. The plain ones were kind of icky, she said, but the ones with gravy, mm mm mm!

She has definitely gained some weight. Her legs look different and her face is fatter. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but the Dr will be happy and wont call DHS on us. Why do they think every baby should be a fat little Michelin Man Clone? Doesn't seem healthy to me (and isn't from everything Ive been reading! America is so behind...).

In other news some creature has come and murdered 3 of my hens. First it came and killed Perleand Thing Two (I discovered poor Banya
in the coops yard all alone after spending the whole day witht heir bodies. He was so afraid he let me scoop him up with no fight at all), then the next night came and killed my marvelous Danger
. I was so pissed that I told Bruce to shoot what ever it was if he found it. But then I came to my senses and changed my mind. I love my birds dearly, but what ever animal came and killed them didn't know that. From my research Ive come to believe its a raccoon. It left the bodies where it killed them and only removed the heads and mangled the breasts a bit. Horrible. But I guess thats like a calling card of raccoons. So now all my poor birds (5 roos and only 4 hens left, one of which doesn't lay and the other bum eats her eggs, so we only get two eggs a day if were lucky. not that it really matters to me) are locked up in their winter coop. Miserable and confined! But safe at least. I'm going to fix up something else soon. With lots of live wire around the outside to fry anyone who tried to get in!!!! Stupid animals.

But to end on a happy note, here are some new pictures of the sweet lady, Madelyn!



mmmm Carrots!
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What? Do I have something on my face?
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More please!!
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The two Madelyns (though not the most flattering pic of either, its still cute)
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Me and my Lady (I crocheted her little hat)
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Hahaha!! Granny! You're too funny!
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Sweet Jungle Lady asleep in the grass.
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Perfect little elven lady.
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Loads more pictures here if anyone is interested!

Journaling on the Cold

Gads its cold!!! Barely 65 in here right now and theres a terrible breeze coming in the windows :(

But really, I do mean to journal more. I really do. But lately Ive been rather depressed and not feeling like I can enjoy much of anything. Things here are the same, if not worse, than they ever were. Mom and Bruce are still treating us like were horrible parents. We don't hold her right, bathe her right, I don't nurse Mad correctly and her wild hair drives my mom nuts. I cant understand them. Sure, some advice is a good thing, but I'm not getting that, I'm getting criticism. Alot of it.

The other day Shane took Mad down stairs to give me a break so I could nap a little longer. She was being fussy so he was walking around with her and had her up on his shoulder, sort of hanging over it (which she likes), and her head brushed against this little wooden sled we have hanging on the wall. The sled weighs maybe a pound, its a decorative thing Shane's mom painted. I doesn't take much to move it (we bump in to it all the time because its hanging on the door jam and sticks out a little in to the doorway). But Bruce acted like Shane smashed her head against the wall or something. Mad didn't even notice anything had happened! When he came back upstairs he told me about it and warned me that my mom would be crabbing at me about it. And, sure enough, the next morning when I saw her, she did! I was telling her how Mad had a tough night and how I think shes teething already. Mom seemed to think this was stupid and told me she was probably having headaches from getting her head hit. !!!! OMG! I was incredulous! I told her this is a huuuge reason why I hate coming down stairs for visits with Mad. All we get are them moaning about how we do everything wrong. ITs not a nice time for us. I have to sit there while stinky old Bruce holds my precious baby and coos over her and says the most annoying and inane things to her. AND I have to hear them b***h about what a terrible mum I am and how Shane is abusing Mad! Yea, ok Ma, Ill be right down.

And on top of that, I have a tooth ache. Yippy. Why do teeth have nerves? Whats the point? I have two that are nerveless and they're still quite sensitive. Whats the point? The two teeth that are nerveless are root canal teeth and were done like 10 years ago. I was supposed to have them capped but for some reason my mother never took me back to get that part done. So, of course, after a few years they broke! And the teeth on either side have cavities now from there being spaces between them that shouldn't have been there. One of those *live* teeth is broken in half, though it doesn't hurt unless I bite on it, but another has a tiny cavity between the teeth and its aching me like a binch. I would soo like to go to the dentist and get them all fixed up, but its nearly impossible to find anyone who takes Medicaid. How does the government expect people to be healthy when they don't make doctors and dentists accept their programs? It should be mandatory so we can choose ones we like and trust. Not be forced to go see scary, backwoods dentists who don't know what they're doing.

But other than those things, we are good. Mad is growing much much too fast. She is giggling and cooing and squealing all the time now. Its so cute I could cry! And shes a pro at holding her head up, still a little wobbly, but she can hold it up for as long as I hold her upright. Her belly time is improving, too. Her head is up but shes still got some work to do on the push ups. She can easily support all her weight on her legs now and she loooves it! Shed stand up all day if I could hold her that way! We have nearly perfected the laying down and nursing technique. Which I find very helpful, she can nurse and I can sleep! This last night she wanted to sleep that way, too. Every time I tried to lay her in her little bed beside me she would scream. So Id pick her up again and snuggle her into my side and *bop* shed pass right out. It was adorable but I was dying to lay on my side for a bit. Oh well :) Right now I have her stuffed in my robe, sort of sling like. Its a lot easier to type with her like this than how I normally hold her at the pc. Which is why I decided to journal today.

Here are some new pics of dear sweet amazing Mad -

Little Giggling Lady -
Oh Mama, Yoo sooo funny!
Elven babe
Oooh! Im SO ANGRY!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
5th bath ever!
Sleepy in her green hoodie
Heeheehee!
Pretty Lady

She's Here!

• Mood: Love
• Listening to: A Humming Fan
• Reading: nothing
• Watching: The Gift
• Playing: EQ2
• Eating: nothing
• Drinking: water

Mad arrived on the 16th of January!! She was 9 pounds 5 ounces and 21 and a half inches

Theres tons to tell, but seeing as shes in my arms and its dang hard to type with one hand....Ill just post some pics fer now
She was quite puffy on her first day.

Oh so sleepy!

Swedish Fish!

Very happy Daddy

Shes awake!!

Does she look cozy or what?

Snow, Boots, Pain and Another.

One of the family cats (not mine, but sort of belongs to us all), Brady, died a couple days ago. He was very old, something like 19 and not doing well at all. It wasnt a surprise, but its still sad. He was a lovely boy. So how many is that? In the last 6 months or so 4 of my cats have died, 2 of the family cats passed away, one family cat ran away, one of my hens died, my robin was killed, my bun died and my Mike is gone. What the hell?

But Im trying very hard to not think about that too much. I will go crazy if I do. So Im doing alot of crap now to distract myself. Like well, not much really, but its enough to keep my mind from lingering on the hurt, too much.

We got a foot of snow recently. It was so beautiful when I woke up, it lured me outside. I hadnt been out in a while so it was especially nice! I got some good pictures and it was wickedly nice to see the animals. Douk enjoyed it alot, too. He loves snow :)While getting ready to go outside, I hauled out my boots and tried to put them on. My belly is huuuge now (50 inches around and, uh, I'm only 64 inches tall *weeps*) so its pretty hard to reach my feet. I struggled for a minute or two to get the boot in position so I could get my foot in it. But, alas, it was in vain! My foot was too swollen to fit! (You see, my feet, hands and face have started swelling. Its just the most beautiful stuff you ever saw.) So I thought about what I was going to wear on my big feet. The snow was deep so sneaks were out. I spotted Shane's rubber boots and thought, maybe theyll fit! I struggled with them fer a min and was able to get them on, though the calf was almost too tight. But they were ok in the foot part. Yay!

So out I went. Gads, you should have seen me! In knee high, black rubber boots, my Egyptian man dress (which goes almost to my feet) and my big orange coat. I was very stylish! But I didnt care, I was outside! And the snow was gorgeous. But very hard to walk in. Especially since my hip/belly pain make it terrifically hard to lift my feet up more than a couple inches. The sheep were calling to me and once Loki got wind of someone coming out she started to holler, too. So I pushed on thru the snow. It was fun :) Even the chickens seemed sort of happy to see me. Or at least see someone. I threw Loki and the sheep some hay, took some pics and came back inside.

I sat in a kitchen chair and looked at my feet. I wondered how in the heck I was going got get these rubber things off. There was no way I could lift my foot up and pull them off with my hands. I thought about going upstairs and waking Shane to help me, but I really didnt want to bother him. I tried using the toe of one foot on the heel of the other to try and get one off, but since they were a little small around the calf they suctioned to my leg. Ack! How the hell was I going to get them off?? The suctioning made them stick more so I would need to push harder with my toe which made my belly hurt. But I didnt see any other way but to just grit my teeth and shove. So I did that. Owowowowow! Stupid boots! I shall not be wearing them again...

I felt great despite the boot struggle. It was really nice to be outside. I havent been going out really at all, unless I have to, since it hurts so much to move. But the *felt great* didnt last long. I soon started to get sore, but not terribly so. It didnt get bad until the next day. Oh my dear, I could barely move! My hips were giant balls of pain. I could barely lift my legs to get out of bed, never mind walk. And my belly/groin muscles were screaming at me. It was like I had run in an Iron Man competition, not taken a slow mosey out to the barn and back. So I rested.

And rested and rested and its been a couple weeks and Im still really sore. Its like my muscles are giving up. Theyve stretched and stretched and now theyre throwing in the towel. My lower abdomen is a big bruise. The muscles there are soooo sore! Plus Ive got some pretty stretch marks that are sore, too. And the muscles that run from the inside of my thighs to my groin feel like, well, when I try to use them for anything, it feels like theyre tearing. Its so nice! Never in my life did I realize how much one uses ones stomach and groin muscles. You use them for everything! Sitting up, lifting a leg, rolling over in bed, moving a leg even an inch uses them, sneezing, coughing, standing, walking, the list is endless. Sometimes I cant move my legs, like when I try to sit up and get out of bed. So I have to use my arms to lift my legs over the edge of the bed. Oh the joy!

Ive also got this great pain right under my ribs, on the right side. Its been there for months but now its soo much worse. If I move the *right* way it feels like someones sticking me with a hot poker. Its a terrible burning, tearing feeling. It aches all the time, but I only get that horrible bad feeling when I move certain ways. Like turning over in bed.

Speaking of bed, Im not sleeping! Well, I am a little, but not enough. I can only get like 30 minutes at a time, sometimes less, until I get a pain somewhere and it wakes me up. And changing position to relieve the pain is near impossible. It takes me a good 5 minutes to roll over sometimes! Ive truly felt like I was trapped in bed, like there was no way I was going to be able to sit up or anything with out Shanes help. But ive gotten good at just sucking it up and moving through the searing hot pain. Im not sure if thats good or not, but being trapped in bed is so bad I dont care!

But anyway, I should go do something else. If I sit here too long my feet swell incredible amounts. Till they look just like Cabbage Patch Kid feet. And thats just wrong. Plus it feels yucky. Not painful, really, just really yucky. And no one wants feet that look like this -
Normally I have fairly thin looking feet, with little bones on the top and ankles and everything. I swear! Yeck.... some things about being pregnant truly truly SUCK....

(Ive also started having very strong Braxton Hicks contractions. They're not true labor, but they can hurt! My belly goes all rigid, like a giant bowling ball and there incredible pressure everywhere mixed in with some back pain. Oh I cant wait till its real labor! Come on Mad, I'm ready to meet you!!)

Two Non Fiber Posts

I wrote these at different times and wasnt going to post them here because I try to keep this blog light and fun. But Im not feeling light and fun so what the hell. This is my life right now so Im posting them.

Its Happened.
Journal Entry: Mon Dec 3, 2007, 7:06 AM

* Mood: Agony
* Listening to: nothing
* Reading: nothing
* Watching: nothing
* Playing: nothing
* Eating: nothing
* Drinking: nothing

Its over.

My best friend, soul mate and love of my life, Mike, has died.

On November 29th at about 9:50pm he finally left me. Just a few hours earlier he was fine. I was taking a nap and heard him *whoop* (his way of yelping) and got up to see if he was stuck somewhere. He was always getting stuck in furniture and things. His hips bothered him and he couldn't always control what direction he was going in. But he wasn't stuck, he was just standing beside the bed. It looked like he might be having some belly pains, which again wasn't totally abnormal. Hes had some terrible intestinal problems in the past so I wasn't too worried.

I helped him walk around, sometimes pacing make shim feel better, so I helped and made sure he didn't fall or get stuck. I tried snuggling him on the bed, but he was very antsy and couldn't get comfortable. He started whooping more and I was getting upset.

Something was very wrong. But it was about 7 pm and the only emergency vet is over an hour away from here and I KNOW they wouldn't have done anything for him but try to kill him. He is almost 15 years old and extremely thin and has a big tumor under his eye. I brought him to a vet not too long ago because he wasn't himself and murdering him was her only solution. So Shane and I just sat with him.

The first thing that came in to my head as to what might be wrong was bloat. I had Shane look up info on it. It had been ages since I read about it and couldn't remember alot. And of course, Mike had nearly every symptom.

Over the next 3 hours it got worse and worse. His belly swelled up and he started to choke on foam and spittle. He cried and cried and all I could do was hold him up and pet him and talk to him.

It seemed like it took a long time for him to pass away, but it also seemed too quick. Just a few hours and my heart was gone.

Ive lost alot of "pets" in my life, some human family members and human friends. It hurt, but nothing like this. This is more pain than I could possibly express to anyone. Hes been my life for almost 15 years, my child, my brother, my protector, my heart and soul. Life isn't life with out him.

For years Ive been thinking about this, about him dying. It had to happen and each day that went by brought it closer. This may sound completely crazy to some of you, but I had planned to go with him. The loss, I knew, was going to be too much and everyone who was left would be fine with out me. I would not be fine staying. But now I am pregnant and feel I cant do that. It hurts so much I don't think I can do it. Maybe thats why Mad showed up. Why we got pregnant so easily. To keep me here. But I don't want to be here.

How can anyone be expected to keep living while in pain like this? What the fuck is going on. This is too much.

Today is even harder because I'm calling to arrange his cremation. I don't know how I'm going to talk to them about it. I tried talking to Shane about it last night and I couldn't speak. The words refused to come out. The thought of him on fire, of him melting, of his eyes popping from the intense heat, his ears burning... is incredibly horrible and painful for me. But the thought of him slowly rotting in the ground is no better. At least this way he can sort of stay with me. And later, when I die, we can be put together.

Maybe I sound obsessed to you all, but I don't care. I need to write and unless you've ever loved someone with every cell in your body, was in love with every cell of them, every minute part of their personality and manners, everything, you have no idea how I feel. Mike is like air to me. Like food or drink. You don't need those things because you're obsessed with them, you just need them because they are vital to life. Being with out him isn't killing my body, its killing other parts of me. This is too hard. I cant do this.

________________________________

Its Happened Again
Journal Entry: Tue Jan 1, 2008, 9:04 AM

* Mood: Sadness
* Listening to: Daler Mehndi - Tunak Tunak Tun
* Reading: nothing
* Watching: Warm Water Under a Red Bridge
* Playing: EQ2
* Eating: nothing
* Drinking: Coffee

This time my bunny is gone.

If things werent bad enough with the loss of my beloved Mike, I had to lose another love. My bunny, Burr passed away on the 19th. I woke up in the night, as is normal because if my hip pain, and as I was trying to get comfortable I heard this *EEE*! squeak sort of sound, twice. I sat up and thought 'what the heck was that'? One of my cats ran up and stared in to Burrs cage telling me it was him. Burr has only ever made noise once before so I didnt recognize his voice. I got up to see what was wrong and as I got to his cage and looked in, he stretched out, facing away from me and cried two more times and died. I didnt even get a chance to reach in to comfort him or anything. I took him out and snuggled him and wept.

My little bunny...he was the sweetest rabbit Ive ever met. Heck, he was the sweetest rabbit Ive ever even heard about. I miss him. He was a little black ball of sunshine. Loving to everyone and cuddly and cute. He even knew to come when I called him. I don't have many ideas as to what killed him. I bought him from a feed store and know nothing about his past or how old he was or anything. Over the last 10 months or so he got very thin. Still eating well and acting normal, but very very thin. In the last 2 months hed started having a hard time jumping up on the bed. Other than those things, he acted like his old normal self. So who knows what it was.

Now hes in his cage in the shed waiting for spring to thaw the ground. Winter is a bad time to lose loved ones. But is there ever a good time?

As for other news, things are pretty much the same. I am quite depressed and still in allot of pain from my hips. Only now Ive got *other* things going on that hurt even more. So I'm just doing great. Ive got just 25 days till Mad's due date, so maybe my pain will lessen soon. But if my *other* thing isn't cleared up by the time shes ready to come, I will have to have a c-section so there goes my less pain hopes for a while....