Death and Apartments

My mother is dead. She died in a shitty nursing home over an hour form here with only a nurse and hospice lady with her. I wasnt able to be with her because its so far away and Shane has to work. I was going most nights when he got home but I rarely got there before 7pm. She died at 5pm on February 16th.

I feel nub at the moment. I sway between numb, angry and completely hopeless. To say I miss her is like saying you miss air when you are at the bottom of a lake drowning. I NEED her and my brain cant fathom how to process this information. Even seeing her body didnt make it sink in. I cried and it was horrible to see her dead. But I just cant believe it. If I sit and think about it, to really feel it, I just cant.

No one is talking to me about it. Which is a mixed blessing. I want to know they care, but I dont want to be reminded of the pain. It would be nice, tho, to have someone say something. sure, some ppl say things, but not really anyone related to my mom. its weird. even strangers have given me their sympathy and love but most of my actual family hasnt. Granny is out here staying at her sisters. Glo is in the hospital and has bleeding in her intestines but they cant figure out where or why. Granny and Glos daughter are staying at her place for a while. Granny said some things about my mom but it didnt really make me feel good. But what can anyone say? My dad called me the day after. I dont know who told him about mom. I couldnt call and say the words. Im glad someone else told him. He said just what I wish everyone would - Im sorry, I know there isnt anything I can say or do to make this better, but I love you. Everyone else seems to say 'if theres anything I can do, just ask'. Um...I need money and a house! How about that? Why do people say that? There isnt anything they could ever do to make this ok. I could win the lottery tomorrow and be a billionaire and I would still not be happy. It wouldnt bring her back.

I am alone. Utterly alone. Yes, I have Shane and Mad. But They will leave me. Shane may be able to put up with me and stick around, but Mad will grow up and leave. My mom will be with me forever. I know shes near but I wish she was alive and in her body still. I need her. There is no one else on this planet who would love me no matter what. Who would go out of their way for me like she did. Shane is the closest I have, my father, too, would help me if he ever could. Even Bruce is trying to help me. But no one, no one anywhere, comes close to how my mother loves me. No one in my family would let me live with them. Would help me keep my animals. Would help me do anything, really. My dad would if he could, but he cant. Pip sort of helps, but he doesnt love me very much (which has been made quite clear as of late). No one does. I mean, yea, my family loves me in a distant way. But they would never ever help me with anything I actually needed. Most of them wont even talk to me, never mind do anything!

Tho in all this Ive sort of connected with two that I never thought I would. Tracy and her son have both talked to me a little and its meant alot. Even just talking about games and computers was great. And another of Grannys sisters talks to me sometimes. Its just quick hellos and what not, but its still nice.

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And then we rented an apartment. Shane found it. Its close to his work and close to here. Its cheap and big. But no pets. I would never have considered this place no matter how great anything else was. I want my Douk with me! Maybe even a cat. But its not up to me anymore and its only temporary. Were going to keep looking for something better. Douk is important to me. He comforts me and hangs out with me and likes me. There arent too many folks around who I can say that about. Hes cute and snuggly and Mad adores him. She gets soo excited sometimes. But he will be here and we can come back when ever we want to visit. Shane or I will be back daily to feed my animals anyway. But its not the same.

The apartment is in a big house. Its been split up in to like 6 apartments. We have 4 rooms and its apartment #4. The rooms are fair sized but the bathroom is uber small. The doorway is half covered by the sink and the corner is just the right height to knock Mad in the head. All the floors are wood, cept for the kitchen and bath, which have tiles. The windows are weird and dont work well. But its bright. Especially with everything painted white. I hate white. We cant paint or wallpaper. Theres no real yard either.

But its clean and safe and will be a good reference since we have none. My life is not at all what it was just a few weeks ago. But no one cares. Why Im writing this, I do not know. Cathartic exercise, I guess.

News and Annoyances

My mother has lung cancer that has spread to her brain. It was just discovered a week ago. She was put in the hospital immediately. Im freakin out! Its almost impossible for me to think about. Im pissed that her lame dr didnt check her out AGES ago. Shes had a horrible cough for a couple years! Shes been smoking since she was like 14. Seems to me that an xray or something should have been done. The only reason it was found was because the tumors in her head are so big they are pressing on things and hurting her. WTF?! She is getting radiation on her head now. Which I am terrified about. Shes only had 2 'treatments' and shes already sick and she has 8 more to go. How much of her healthy brain will be corrupted from that poison they are shooting at her? After that they will begin 'treating' her lung cancer. She has alot of hell ahead of her.

So im my attempt at self preservation, Ive been spending time looking at, playing and reading about things I like. And getting annoyed there too! See I LOVE everquest2. It is the best mmorpg game there is. By far, it IS. But the masses are in love with a dumb game called World of Warcraft. Ive played it. Its a completely dumbed down EQ2 that looks like it was made for gradeschoolers. Soooo many people talk about it and play it and say how wonderful it is. Its amazing to me! And that so many people have never played or sometimes never even heard of EQ2 confounds me. I admit, Sony has dropped the ball in the advertising department. I see adverts on tv, in mags, all over for world of warcrap. But nothing...NOTHING for EQ2. Why this is, I cannot fathom.

I have been playing EQ2 since right after it began. I tried a few races and classes before settling on an Iksar Necromancer as my main. She is awesomeness and if I could become her, bring my family in to Norrath with me, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am not obsessed with this place, I just enjoy it mightily.

There are very few things I complain about in EQ2. One of my biggest, tho, is that they made some things extremely easy to try to lure in the dumbos from wow. Crafting used to require paper and pens and math and lots of note keeping. All of which I adored. But now you just sit there and click a button or two and youre crafting. BOOOORING! I fall asleep half the time. And they changed the horses. The old models looked terrible. I was overjoyed to see the new ones when they announced them. They look great! But then I saw them move and it made me miss the old ones. The oldies were very unrealistic looking (to my horsey loving eye) but the movements, especially the running, was PERFECTION. Now, they barely move when they run. Their heads are frozen like a carousel mount! And we sit on them like a statue. BUT...they have a great flank jiggle that is pretty realistic. So, yea, thats like the only thing I have to complain about.

Im going to post some screen shots of some favorite places. I would rant some more, but we are going to see the inlaws today and i need a spot more sleep before we begin the big stresser of the day. I want to stay home and hang with me mums! Stupid family visiting at the worst time ever :[

Plus the babe is calling me :}

Birthday Bummer

Life is depressing. I try very hard to keep happy but its extremely difficult....

Mad turned one a month ago. I attempted to decorate and have a little party but it was a total dud. Nabs was pissy all day, Bruce was annoying and i was so down about her being a year already i had no energy to finish decorating her cake. I made cupcakes, too, but only decorated 4 of them. I made like 30 of them but I bet I don't even have half of them left. The males here are pigs, especially Bruce. He even stole a bunch of the candies i bought to decorate the cupcakes with, didn't ask or anything! asshole. and our kitchen outlets and lights don't work anymore so theres just one crappy lamp in there on an extension cord so its SUPER dark. and its a wicked small room. especially with 5 adults and a dog in there! not an environment that inspires creativity and happiness, thats for sure! and all day my mother 'advised' me on how to do everything, shes trying to help, but it makes her a bummer to be around.

And how can a whole year have gone by already? FUCK! Time is getting away from me faster than i ever thought it could. I feel so old and lonely.

Anyway, I know no one really gives a crap about that so I will stop whining and put up some pictures.

Trip to Maine

Well! We three got back from a very short visit to Maine this week. Granny needed a ride home from her sisters place in Halfmoon. Granny said she would pay for gas and we said yahoo! We'd been up there to visit when Mad was 4 months old, shes now almost 9 months so I was dying to see everyone again.


Our ride up was gorgeous. It was a cloudy day, very cool, and the trees were out in full force on top of the mountains. I tried to get photos but its tough to get anything food while in the back of a moving van! This was the third time going over Hogback that it was so foggy we couldn't see anything. If it had been clear, the view would have been amazing.

We got to Granny's rather late and we were all tired. My Uncle Jon was there (he lives with Granny) and seemed pleased to see us. He spent the entire time before we went to bed laying on the floor talking to Mad and trying to get her to laugh. It was a little uncomfortable for me, but it was ok I guess. The next morning (Sunday) we got up and Granny told us that Jon got up early and left with a packed bag and didn't talk to her at all. Huh!

That afternoon Mra came over. Ooo! It was sooo nice to see her! Shes like a sister to me and I miss her terribly. Mad was ok with her, too. See, Mad is afraid of everyone now. But she was hardly afraid of Mra at all! She could hold her right away and Mad didn't cry one bit.

A little while later my aunt Mel, my cousin (her son), Moe, his wife, Julie and their adorable son, Max showed up. The last time I hadn't seen Max an Julie for something like 3 years. And Moe, geeze, Max was only a few months old. He snow about 5! Cripes time flies.

We all had a great visit. Max seemed to really like Mad. We call her Squishy and he thought that was super. So he called her that the whole time we were there (Julie says that he might always be Squishy yo him!). He liked saying the word so much that everything a little soft became squishy: the wet ground, our cheeks, his cheeks. It was cute!

This was the first time I got to talk to Julie. We never got much of a chance to before. hes great. I really like her. Shes funny and smart and cute and I wish she lived out this way so we could be friends. Plus it was nice to have another mommy to talk to. Mommies rule!

They left in the evening. It was hard to say goodbye to Moe, especially. When I was little I used to wih I had a big brother like him. Hes a very good person and I miss him!

Mra stayed longer. We visited late, until Jon came home, visibly, stinkingly drunk. Mra left right away and Shane and I went to our room to go to bed. Before long we heard voices, I thought they were just talking so I went out to fill up a bottle for Mad. As I walked thru the living room I realized Jon was arguing with Granny. I hurried back to our room. I told Shane and I turned off the fan so we could hear. Yea, I was eaves dropping! You should have heard the things he as saying! Well, maybe you shouldn't. They were terrible things. Mostly about me and Shane. He was basically saying he and I were shit and Granny was a bitch for bringing us there and he was throwing her out! We almost left that night, but we waited till morning because, well, he can kiss my butt! I wanted to see the beach and Mra and say goodbye to Granny.



So that's what we did. Granny made us awesome omelets and I tried to not cry when we left. We stopped over at Mras and visited in the yard with her and Mel and the dogs for a while. Gads its hard to leave them! I miss them so much :( Mad enjoyed the dogs, though. She loves animals.









We went to Wells beach. Mad looooved the sand! And the waves and all of it. She was the cutest beach bunny ever! I got lots of photos and video of her playing. She liked the feel of the sand on her fingers and between her toes. And the waves seemed to confound her.





The beach was cool, but I still put my feet in the water. We used to go ther alot in the summer when i was little. I love the beach.





The rose hip were out in full force. If wed had more time I would have collected bunches and made some jelly or something. Boy are they tasty! But no matter what I said, I couldn't get Shane to eat one. He thinks Id poison him or something. There were a few left over roses, too. Shane picked one and oh my goodness did it smell good! Even Mad seemed to like it.





The sand was her favorite part. She loved the texture and pent a lot of time feeling it with her fingers and toes.









On our way home we stopped at Shane's brothers house to visit him and his wife. They're nice people. Though their dog, Rufus, wants to eat Mad! Poor little man is afraid of her cries.

It was a looong, dark drive home. No pretty foliage or anything. We didn't get back till about 12:30 am. Yeck! Stupid Jon. I didn't even get to see my father. This is far from the first time hes been like this. And wont be the last, I'm sure. But its the last time for me! Ive had it! I wont ever see him again. But, fortunately, Granny says she is going to get her own place, so we can visit again then. But it will be winter by that time. oh well!

Anyway, its chilly in here, I need to close the window!

Mad Updates

• Mood: Hope
• Listening to: Stupid GTA San Andreas played by Shane
• Reading: Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs
• Watching: Twin Peaks
• Playing: EQ2
• Eating: nothing
• Drinking: Coffee

Shes growing up

Mad went for her second round of shots recently and though she took the shots much better this time (last time she was inconsolable after. But this time her fever got to 102), her Dr said she was underweight. Or rather, she wasn't gaining at the same rate she had been. Mad has only gained 10 ounces in the last 2 months making her 11lbs, 5 oz (i might add here that Shane and I are short, little people. How can you expect average-above average sized babies from folks who are below average in size??) and though the Dr wasn't too alarmed by that she instructed us to supplement her breast feeding with formula. Which I'm NOT happy about! She didn't talk about ways to improve my milk supply or anything. I already know how to do that, but still. I didn't like that she went straight to formula. When we got to the car Shane wanted to go right to the store and buy formula. I wanted to get my milk up and increase feedings and skip the formula, but after some words, we went and got formula. And some solids. I'm ok with feeding her some solids, but this formula crap sucks!

It took a few days of trying to get Mad to eat formula. She was not impressed. Cant say I blame her, stuff tastes like shit! Smells even worse. Uhg. BUT...Shane has bought me a new breast pump to try (which I hope will be here very soon!) so I can get my supply up and faze out the formula. Mad is still breastfeeding regularly, but I'm producing less milk than I was as shes also eating around 8 ounces of formula and 5 ounces of food a day.

Ive taken to thinking of the formula as medicine. The first week of feeding her that crap I cried through out every day. Giving it to her feels so wrong! And makes me feel broken. The doctors are such freaks that I wasn't allowed to give birth naturally and now I cant feed her either! WTF?! Babies aren't numbers. Everyone is different. Loads of people give birth to babies bigger than Mad naturally. And loads breastfeed exclusively for months longer than I have. Its very hard for me to not be depressed about it. Very depressed...

But the solid foods are fun at least. I tried rice cereal first. She hates it. I tried mixing it with breast milk, formula AND water. Each way was quickly spat out! So I tried peas. Icky Mum!! Then sweet potatoes. Hold on folks, we found a winner! She adores them! She also likes carrots, apples, bananas, and prunes. She didn't like pears for the first two weeks, but I tried them again last night and she found them tolerable enough to eat a whole jar. She also tried instant potatoes last night. We were having them for dinner and shes a huge beggar now so I let her try them. The plain ones were kind of icky, she said, but the ones with gravy, mm mm mm!

She has definitely gained some weight. Her legs look different and her face is fatter. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but the Dr will be happy and wont call DHS on us. Why do they think every baby should be a fat little Michelin Man Clone? Doesn't seem healthy to me (and isn't from everything Ive been reading! America is so behind...).

In other news some creature has come and murdered 3 of my hens. First it came and killed Perleand Thing Two (I discovered poor Banya
in the coops yard all alone after spending the whole day witht heir bodies. He was so afraid he let me scoop him up with no fight at all), then the next night came and killed my marvelous Danger
. I was so pissed that I told Bruce to shoot what ever it was if he found it. But then I came to my senses and changed my mind. I love my birds dearly, but what ever animal came and killed them didn't know that. From my research Ive come to believe its a raccoon. It left the bodies where it killed them and only removed the heads and mangled the breasts a bit. Horrible. But I guess thats like a calling card of raccoons. So now all my poor birds (5 roos and only 4 hens left, one of which doesn't lay and the other bum eats her eggs, so we only get two eggs a day if were lucky. not that it really matters to me) are locked up in their winter coop. Miserable and confined! But safe at least. I'm going to fix up something else soon. With lots of live wire around the outside to fry anyone who tried to get in!!!! Stupid animals.

But to end on a happy note, here are some new pictures of the sweet lady, Madelyn!



mmmm Carrots!
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What? Do I have something on my face?
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More please!!
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The two Madelyns (though not the most flattering pic of either, its still cute)
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Me and my Lady (I crocheted her little hat)
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Hahaha!! Granny! You're too funny!
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Sweet Jungle Lady asleep in the grass.
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Perfect little elven lady.
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Loads more pictures here if anyone is interested!

Journaling on the Cold

Gads its cold!!! Barely 65 in here right now and theres a terrible breeze coming in the windows :(

But really, I do mean to journal more. I really do. But lately Ive been rather depressed and not feeling like I can enjoy much of anything. Things here are the same, if not worse, than they ever were. Mom and Bruce are still treating us like were horrible parents. We don't hold her right, bathe her right, I don't nurse Mad correctly and her wild hair drives my mom nuts. I cant understand them. Sure, some advice is a good thing, but I'm not getting that, I'm getting criticism. Alot of it.

The other day Shane took Mad down stairs to give me a break so I could nap a little longer. She was being fussy so he was walking around with her and had her up on his shoulder, sort of hanging over it (which she likes), and her head brushed against this little wooden sled we have hanging on the wall. The sled weighs maybe a pound, its a decorative thing Shane's mom painted. I doesn't take much to move it (we bump in to it all the time because its hanging on the door jam and sticks out a little in to the doorway). But Bruce acted like Shane smashed her head against the wall or something. Mad didn't even notice anything had happened! When he came back upstairs he told me about it and warned me that my mom would be crabbing at me about it. And, sure enough, the next morning when I saw her, she did! I was telling her how Mad had a tough night and how I think shes teething already. Mom seemed to think this was stupid and told me she was probably having headaches from getting her head hit. !!!! OMG! I was incredulous! I told her this is a huuuge reason why I hate coming down stairs for visits with Mad. All we get are them moaning about how we do everything wrong. ITs not a nice time for us. I have to sit there while stinky old Bruce holds my precious baby and coos over her and says the most annoying and inane things to her. AND I have to hear them b***h about what a terrible mum I am and how Shane is abusing Mad! Yea, ok Ma, Ill be right down.

And on top of that, I have a tooth ache. Yippy. Why do teeth have nerves? Whats the point? I have two that are nerveless and they're still quite sensitive. Whats the point? The two teeth that are nerveless are root canal teeth and were done like 10 years ago. I was supposed to have them capped but for some reason my mother never took me back to get that part done. So, of course, after a few years they broke! And the teeth on either side have cavities now from there being spaces between them that shouldn't have been there. One of those *live* teeth is broken in half, though it doesn't hurt unless I bite on it, but another has a tiny cavity between the teeth and its aching me like a binch. I would soo like to go to the dentist and get them all fixed up, but its nearly impossible to find anyone who takes Medicaid. How does the government expect people to be healthy when they don't make doctors and dentists accept their programs? It should be mandatory so we can choose ones we like and trust. Not be forced to go see scary, backwoods dentists who don't know what they're doing.

But other than those things, we are good. Mad is growing much much too fast. She is giggling and cooing and squealing all the time now. Its so cute I could cry! And shes a pro at holding her head up, still a little wobbly, but she can hold it up for as long as I hold her upright. Her belly time is improving, too. Her head is up but shes still got some work to do on the push ups. She can easily support all her weight on her legs now and she loooves it! Shed stand up all day if I could hold her that way! We have nearly perfected the laying down and nursing technique. Which I find very helpful, she can nurse and I can sleep! This last night she wanted to sleep that way, too. Every time I tried to lay her in her little bed beside me she would scream. So Id pick her up again and snuggle her into my side and *bop* shed pass right out. It was adorable but I was dying to lay on my side for a bit. Oh well :) Right now I have her stuffed in my robe, sort of sling like. Its a lot easier to type with her like this than how I normally hold her at the pc. Which is why I decided to journal today.

Here are some new pics of dear sweet amazing Mad -

Little Giggling Lady -
Oh Mama, Yoo sooo funny!
Elven babe
Oooh! Im SO ANGRY!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
5th bath ever!
Sleepy in her green hoodie
Heeheehee!
Pretty Lady

She's Here!

• Mood: Love
• Listening to: A Humming Fan
• Reading: nothing
• Watching: The Gift
• Playing: EQ2
• Eating: nothing
• Drinking: water

Mad arrived on the 16th of January!! She was 9 pounds 5 ounces and 21 and a half inches

Theres tons to tell, but seeing as shes in my arms and its dang hard to type with one hand....Ill just post some pics fer now
She was quite puffy on her first day.

Oh so sleepy!

Swedish Fish!

Very happy Daddy

Shes awake!!

Does she look cozy or what?